I am fighting the propensity to curl up in that fetal ball,

to crawl into a shell

and never be seen

 I know..

People have it way worse..

I know..

It's not cancer..

I have my health..
somewhat 

I have my sight ( though my vision is blurred),my hearing (though at times I wonder for how long) and all the things people like to remind me about when they feel I am complaining ..

I know

Stay positive... "Where you put your mind is where you put your behind..."

or something like that

And oh yeah " Oh it will get better"

And  WOW you should write a book.. You're "so Strong"

HA!  If only they knew....

Strength..is relative because..

I just Want to disappear. most times.

I do not feel "so strong"..
Not at all

I feel like I'm falling apart

Like I am having a nervous break down over and over
Always catching my breath.
Always trying to stay calm while I am raging inwardly
Imploding
BOOM

 But

 I keep going  Keep pushing
There is no choice
I have to because I know

If I fall apart

Everything else will too

 Not easy to deal with:

Running a home business that has dwindled resulting in the loss of more than half of my income

Being a care giver to my grandmother who  is 97

Trying to find a job... going on interviews  and the fatigue is just so evident that people actually comment on my energy level : (  " You look so tired"..ugh
 I wish I had a shirt and cap that says
Yeah  I have autoimmune disease.. and what!

I feel like I am just sitting on potential.. I wish people knew all the potential I have Instead of judging me so quickly...

 I digress
Its not easy...

~Having my 2 adult sons and one grandbaby living with me...and dealing with their issues

~ Having several autoimmune issues

     *Hypothyroidism

     *Hashimotos

     *ITP

     *G6PD

     *UCTD

     *Rheumatoid Arthritis

     *Reynauds Disease

     *Anxiety

Everyday I realize both my middle sons may be autoimmune too :(

And the absolute kicker...

My hair is falling out of my head by the handfuls. Every time I put my hand thru my hair, wash or comb it, a bunch falls out.  Its thinning so bad .. I have bald spots.  I pride myself in my hair.  Its all I have. Yeah I know...sounds shallow and vain. I am not my hair   I know I know but I hide behind my hair.  Why?  Well, I really don't have much else...So though I am supposed to stop stressing because that is probably why my hair is falling out.. I am stressing because my hair is falling out!! .If it is alopecia  What kind is it...How long will it take to grow back.? DO I just shave my hair now??  How will it look if  I do??

I have no health insurance right now because of a mix up with the Market place So I can not even go to the dr right now.  I can't afford too.

Its so difficult to see the change in my grandma...especially as confusions sits in.  She repeats " I want to go home, I want to go home." Or she goes back and for the between her easy chair and bed  Each incident is so eventful. as you have to cover her up each time from shoulder to toe , Make sure she doesn't run into any furniture or trip or fall.  You do all of this,. only to hear 5 min later she wants to go "inside"

She rarely eats..but she is hungry  You give her food she doesn't eat it   Ask her what she wants and she doesn't know

 Taking care of her and child care kids is very taxing ( as well as my 19 month old grandson)...its draining to be honest.

She can not take the noise they make or when they start crying.  It really sets her off. . I have to try to keep the noise level down which is frustrating to them. The clean up after them all is a lot.

My day pretty much :

5:30 AM Wake

6:00 AM Take Grandma blood sugar, and BP  Give grandma and prepare for kids'

6:30 AM Before school Kids arrive

 7: 00 AM  prepare breakfast                

7:10          Make sure child gets on bus

7:30 Give Gma Bath and dress her  and put her clothes to wash

8:00 Child care child arrives. Give her breakfast

8:10 Make sure 2nd child get on Middle school bus

8:30 Free play

9: 00 circle time ( gna usually wants more breakfast)

9:30 - 10:30 Child care activities

10:30 Snack (Kids and Grandma)

11: prepare Lunch/ playdoh/painting/coloring/outdoor activity

12:00 Lunch

1- 3 Nap/ Cleaning//organizing

 3: 18 get kids off bus

3:30  Snack

4:00HW Assistance

4;30 - 5:00 - Kids play  Grandma Nap ( sigh- chaos at times)

5;30 - 6 Cook Dinner  Kids get ready to dismiss

6:00 clean up

7 errands

8 clean kitchen

9 try to go to sleep ( never happens and if it does I will be up betweeen12  and 3

I attempted a job search but.  to pay someone to come in and stay with grandma would be so expensive because you cant just have anyone.  They would have deal with feeding, cleaning bathing and changing her.

Unless I am making  a certain amount it just would not makes sense

Now,, I have no vehicle , I cant tell you what a hinderance that is..   My transmission went out and its a bunch to fix...

Im just drained...I keep pushing but I am overwhelmed and drained...fatigued.. sometime I just want to run away  I dont want to give up or give in to it but I am truly

DEPRESSED

Two weeks after writing this.. I find out the reason my hair is falling out.. LUPUS