Like how
how do I do this
how did I get here

so much pain in my heart
in my body
 and
I feel so alone

Me
who tries to show and give
compassion

Me
who tries so hard to rise up
and overcome challenges
and stereo typs.

went to school
studied hard
got that masters

and now look at me
the picture of illness
and lack
on all levels
Drained
beyond measure

Yet at the same time
I am grateful
Because I have
truly been blessed
It could be  ALOT
worse

But that leads me to the same
HOW did I allow things to get so
BAD

WHat am I going to do
I feel like I am at the end
of
my
rope

DEar GOd
Please help me
I jjust want a job
If I get a job Outside the home,
I worry about Grandma
I need someone to be here with her
Someone who can take care of her properly
 I have lost so much weight
I need clothes
Oh..
and..
I have
NO
Transportation

So it makes no sense

This year ..I have lost
my business,
It has dwindled to nothing
I've lost my freedom
from being a caregiver
I've lost a sis in law
to cancer
Lost my therapist ( cant afford to pay her)
Lost my health insurance
I will probably loose my house too
Lost a friend
Well 2 friends
a few friends,,,,
because I realized
people are just for
themselves
people demand things of you
and have no understanding
or have bandwagon
behavior
Like what is wrong with me
That people would even deal with me
certain ways..
Why do I even allow it..

Sometimes
 I know the potential of me spazzing and getting
upset
So I do nothing
and say nothing
Just to avoid a flare
and me getting sick
Just to avoid me saying
things out of anger and causing even more damage

Another thing I have come to master
is having childcare here at home
and my family going thru issues
and I have to staycalm and
leavae things alone
Till no one is here
It becomes so problematic at times
remembering details..
then things fall to the way side


Having a chronic illness
doesn't make things any easier
As soon as you talk about it
Oh you want people to feel sorry for you
We all have problems...suck it up
It could be worse
 And all of that is true
but if I knew how to deal with it
I wouldn't say anything about it

Sometimes I cant even think straight
I suck at interviews
because my train of thought is all over the place
I am not a talker
people say I look tired
and stressed
How do I mask that
I just feel like a waste

shouldn't we be able to share our feelings with
those closest to us
Im at such a loss
Sometimes I wish
I just wasn't here

Maybe this is my Karma
I did some horrible things
in the past
Some to to people who really loved me
 Maybe this is repayment
andI have to see its course

Feeling like a terrible mom, terrible everything

WHat kind of life is this to live
 What will happen to me..
Just feeling
 hopeless